day thirty six.

oh just the best run ever! i dont usually do it during the day but today i figured id go round before dinner. since you're supposed to exercise before you eat right? i even took a new playlist with me, which includes that new gaga tune which i actually really like ohchrist as well as a bunch of eurovision songs from this year ahaha oh jesus. one of them is even performed by jedward. if i didn't fancy ireland much before i definitely dont now. but hell i like their entry. today i'm seeing mi amore in the queens gardens in croydon <3

day thirty four/thirty five

thirty four was standard. more or less. eating/running wise it was good, but because i can't particularly remember what i did during this day, its probably gonna have the least coverage out of any of the days in the blog. i started playing the sims 3 again though. my namesake river cypress got married and started doing up his lil house it was just divine.

with a school week left until the cruise (hai meg), it's onn. as ru would say, i've started my engine. like it matters, but i guess i'll be feeling good when we get our drink on. my life is pathetic. okay but then day thirty five saw me go to my aunt's crib in southampton and shit me did i eat. i mean i was hongrry. i think it was because i woke up at 9.30 or some shit. i was not happy - sister act 2 in the back of the car cheered me up though. right right right so running has become much harder recently.. and i have no idea why. i mean halfway through the route i feel as if i want to just keel over. maybe i started eating something which makes me feel bloated or whatever. grosss. sarah-jane bought me movie trivia cards <3

day thirty three.

(old)

every once in a while something magical happens in the kitchen. this day was day thirty three on the 'ohright' piece o' crap blog, when julia lim took me and a bunch of chinese deliciousness to al's new place, whence we had a mountainous bowl of noodle, wan ton chicken veg soup with extra wan tons and a pile of rice that we didn't even eat. photo evidence is below. they gave me most of the noodles... apparently they didn't want any. and then my bowl became a dumping ground for refugee wan tons. it was another of julie's 'i'll just wing this cooking process and hope that they don't know that it's not real chinese food but still tastes bangin'. the first example of this being several years ago when she whipped up a chicken stir fry that was just heavenly. what a babe. anyway today we were supposed to go to babylove and grind our asses down to the floor with clare palmer, but her car broke down. what a pile of bish. a run later... we'll see how that goes.

day thirty one/thirty two.

the planets have shifted. or something. i suddenly get the urge to indulge in sweets, which is weird for me since i don't really like them. i've become averse to exercise and prone to playing games on my pc which i haven't touched since i was about 12, 'theme park', 'monopoly world cup 98', 'sim tower' and 'clue classic' to name a few. water being my dear friend is the only aspect of my existence which has remained into yesterday/today. the housemates came over for garden fun yesterday (shout outs) and i helped myself to many a millionaire shortbread thing. why do i suddenly desire chocolate. i need to stick to rupaul's words of wisdom: "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". i need to kick back into gear since the cruise occurs at the end of next week. hollahh.

day twenty nine/thirty.

people came over and we drank and ate and i enjoyed a carton of milk. and no one needs to know that i'm going to be *drinking* a carton of custard in a moment, because i damn well fancy it. back to rollercoaster tycoon.

day twenty seven/twenty eight.

tiger tiger gets a bad rap. it might be in croydon and be full of annoying sluts but if you're drunk it's really just a maze of glittery goodness. i forgot there were like, tunnels leading through the different rooms. anyway yesterday we went there, and the inevitable happened. at least i think it did since my morningy drunk burps had a little hint of chicken in em. as did my shitty phone's greasy buttons. butters. that wouldnt have been so bad but today i got that hangover feeling where you just dont care if you eat like an ethiopian trapped in a lidl overnight. maybe tomorrow ill go for another run. i tried to do the whole week but i just couldn't be arsed today. gonna get my drink on again tomorrow so we will see, we will see. ellie barron said i'd lost weight (oh hai), but then only said it like an afterthought having mentioned that she reads this shithot blog. it was pretty embarrassing for all concerned.

day twenty six.

sainsbury's sage-stuffed pork is the way forward. if my knees weren't weak from seeing tom flex his pecks, they are now. shit-long run on the treadmill at the gym (yes we really are going to the gym 5 days in a row, jokes) and then a spot of cross-trainery goodness. sophee lives over the road (shout out) so we went for convos before walking back up the irritant that is the hill leading to our houses. mmmm seriously that was good pork. i feel a bit achey today, i didn't the past two days but yeah today i do. its good though, i checked the scales this morning, the pounds are a-dropping oh avid fans ;)
i've started watching united states of tara. i love toni collette. and it's so good, not even mentioning the son's gay interest who is hot as shit. not as funny as nurse jackie but it makes for a lovely summer watch alongside retro revival of rollercoaster tycoon.

i'm still looking for the rowntree.

day twenty five.

the gym. a place where i could easily find myself going far too regularly. it's actually really fun. and given that i'm about to embark on a 5-day spree at the gym (shout out to tom), you could say that i'm a happy bunny. screw eating lets just play on the shit! no really lets play on it. hopefully with all the muscular, sweaty men wandering around i won't be hung up on how bad i look and the weight will just drop off. bam. right in time for meg's gay cruise. 17 days to go.

day twenty four.

running in coulsdon is never particularly fun what with the chavs in bushes and endless supply of horse shit, and especially compared with the jog in bournemouth. but yaaaaay that was fun. i made it round without thinking "okay this is getting boring now" and didn't even feel destroyed at the bottom of the massive hill i live on. combined with my successful albeit boring day of reversing the derailment of my diet, i'm back on track. why do i still look like a lidl bag full of that jelly shit you find inside a pork pie? sigh. megan and i are going on a gay cruise at the end of the projected first length of this regime so i better be in tip top shape for all the grinding.

day twenty three.

like that awful jim carrey movie. today was successful! lady mcgowan forced me into getting a hot chocolate but its fine. apart from that i ate the worlds biggest apple and some other fruity shit until the sunday roast. ahh. i'm thinking that i'll go for the first easter run in croydon tomorrow but we will seeee.. i tend to sleep like a snorlax in this bed. and continue my harry potter marathon which sees me listening to the audiobook, watching the movies and playing the games simultaneouslyohgodhelpme.

day twenty one/twenty two.

so i barely ate yesterday. fruit in the day and nachos in the evening. do nachos constitute dinner? there was frozen yoghurt planned but getting drunk got in the way. patty and i polished off three bottles of wine and some beers. gross. then this morning i had to walk from purley to home fast as shit cause i needed to get in before everyone went out. i was so pale when i got there, jodie would've been disgusted. i simply had to eat a pastie, i don't even care. sigh. i feel like i look better in photos, but i also feel kind of the same in my bod. i guess no one ever feels noticeably thin though right?

who even cares, why am i writing this blog it baffles me.

day twenty.

right then. throw me in at the deep end. i'm back in croydonia and i intend to pick up this shit. i know, i know, i'm all talk. why is it that when i do so well on not eating junk in one town, the next
place defeats me. i have no idea. anyhow i'm resorting to the original plan of fruit, water and more or less the same dinner. here's hoping the running will come with it naturally. hey guess what? my father didn't say that i looked like shamu when i stepped through the door. great - maybe it's a development. sigh. if any of you lost boys and girls were thinking of stepping up (<3) with me, now is the time to do it. welcome to day twenty.

i'll be back in bournemouth april 22nd, which adds up to day 42. so i'll see you at the finish line.

day nineteen.

i am listening to harry potter audio tapes whilst playing harry potter on the ps2. this is my life.

day eighteen.

the weekend was not properly discussed. we pretty much drank for 72 hours, which is a fairly new experience for me. sunday morning was spent watching lesbian porn. i met a delightful clairvoyant whom i cant seem to find online, and managed to persuade half the triangle that i was a drag queen named olympia. new career choice y'all. i need to get home and keep this diet going since my eating habits here in bourneo have descended into eating butter and other available lipids. lollipops are also a new ting. furthermore, it doesnt help that sarah jane cooks tasty pork chops and does barbecues in the back yard. photoshopping has suddenly become an entertaining way to pass time between pate adventures. this blog is a little redundant for the meantime since now it really is one of those "this was my bullshit day" blogs. onwards and upwards though. im still less of a fat bastard than when i started it. only minimally mind - i still resemble the jabba thing from star wars.

day sixteen/seventeen

christ, i don't know how long i slept for but it wasn't very long, and occurred after we stayed up all night. like seriously, there was daylight its gross. and there was a lesbian in our house shouting that she eats poo. no joke. its hard to keep track with this whole dieting shabang since this weekend went past me like a blurry scooby-doo background that keeps repeating.

day fifteen.

some bird said i lost weight. score.
so as with many of my impulsive ideas, i decided to just eat whatever for a few days, since i cant afford to buy fruit and whatever. how embarrassing for everyone concerned. then at home im upping the ante and running everywhere and eating nothing. because there its so much easier. when i come back people can fawn over me. i suck.

gonna go downstairs and watch tv with megan in a bit, before we go out again to le triangle. i cant keep away its gross. im deffos drinking way less alcohol than i used to anyway so there's no judgment to be made. shout out to rachel proctor <3

day fourteen.

the shit hit the fan. sarah-jane brought golden grahams into my life again and i felt gross. i also just ate a boost, but given that my energy levels feel alarmingly depleted as of late, i felt that i needed the sugar. as well as the praline goodness. as i write, housemate to the stars jodie campbell-downes is reading over my shoulder. "write something about how amazing i am, you may choose to use the words 'comical genius'". so yeah we didn't go for the run today but im about to embark on a course social where alcohol will be present. sucks for me. but karaoke? ooh go on then. shout outs to rachel palmer. and tomorrow i will eat nothing but skinny. i havent found love yet.

day thirteen.

unlucky for some. me being that 'some'. see that hot mess to the right? thats me. a gross great big gross enormous disgusting gross fatty. i had tuna for brunch, which is fine, but dinner was a soupy pasta thing and oh god i feel full. for some reason, when you have a tonne of food, its easy to not eat it. as soon as you start to run out of supplies however, you want to eat everything in sight. why does life suck? i miss fruit. i just miss it. i still have my water though. do your fucking essay and stop writing a blog that no one gives a dairy dump about.

day twelve.

megan and i have started watching the murder game. its an old bbc murder mystery gameshow and its the shit. but that's by the by. i went to see the boy when i woke up. totally forgot to eat something, but that's not so bad. when i returned i ate spaghetti in tomato sauce right outta the can. gross? some might say delicious, and cheap. i also splat a fork of it into a piece of bread and made a makeshift sarnie. i dont think megan was too impressed (we were on her cutesy new bedspread). ive run out of fruit before you ask. and food in general actually.. christ knows what im gonna do from here on in. dinner was packet pasta - im hoping that still keeps shit below 2000 calories. should go for a run but this frakking essay needs doing. big up batv.

day eleven.

well day eleven was just the shiznay. i repped my usual kiwi fruit but decided that cereal is definitely the way forward. who knew? like, is it bad for you? it cant be that bad and it fills you up like crazy. that bint on the special k advert says you lose weight with it. i can be just like her oh won't you love me mummy and daddy am i not good enough for you?!

sorry. just had a moment. dinner was tuna rolls and a cup a soup. i swear ive never been so full in my life. ive reached the stage of not feeling hungry :D megan and i (the housemate) decided that karaoke would be just grand in the eveningtime. we squeezed in a run beforehand, not as easy though this time, then got our drink on. i simply had to eat a yoghurt beforehand though, cause i thought i was about to keel over. then i went and sang three embarrassing songs and introduced myself to a queer that i apparently already met a load of times. clearly he's soo memorable! came back and created a vile ham, cheese and coleslaw sandwich, watched rupaul's drag race (duh) and played harry potter on le ps2. being drunk on that shit is so bizarre i literally was harry for half an hour. or like, 3 hours. wow remember when i used this ting just for dieting needs.

day drunk.

yeeeah im drunk.

day ten and a half.

that was totes the best run ever. i did an additional lap so i could listen to 'what the hell' again. and me and jodes are going again tomorrow. it's got to the point where its not so much a chore anymore. i actually really love it. why not give it a go? do it for america. time for a kiwi.

day ten.

ooooh double figures, fancy.

i found myself on a car bonnet today, being tootled around a car park. i'm quite sure it wouldn't have contributed to my diet but i thought i would mention it anyway. thanks be to housemate sarah-jane, for locking the car door i wanted to get through. i had no option but to lunge in front of the windscreen before she sped off. bitch. so anyway i didnt have time for breakfast this morning. we ran out to a rugby event and stopped off at lidl on the way - grabbing some rolls and scotch eggs and doritos. munched on some in the stands and therefore violated the fruit-only aspect of my diet during the day. ill just have a cup a soup and some fruit for dinner. or i could quit being a bitch and go for a run. im gonna do it. its time to kick this shit up a notch and start exercising more. you'll be seeing just how effective the run was on tomorrow's post.

oh and finally, some scandinavian hoe gave me a massage at this rugby event and practically ripped out my shoulder blades. christ, i quite fancied hitting her with a construct-it-yourself chaise longue from ikea. shout-outs go to jennie blows and her housie michelle.

day nine.

blatantly never been as hungry in my life. for some reason today has seen me finish off a bit too much philadelphia and the biggest mac n cheese of my twenty years. i could easily go for a run right now too but im gonna wait til later. jodie and megan said theyd come too but only on their bikes. (well jodie will borrow mine cause its a chicks bike anyway. who knew there were gender specific bikes? yeah i know, everyone, except me when i was like, yeeah ill have that pink and purple one right there please mr. bike salesman. dickhead.)

so yahhh ive felt pretty good the last couple of days, except earlier when i caught myself in a mirror and thought, who am i kidding? maybe i do have body dysmorphia. after all, i do see rik waller staring back at me. still at it though, keeping under the amount of calories and whatnot. it smells of fart in here. x

day eight.

i have to do this diet now regardless of whether i want to or not. i have no money left. zilch. so i'm working off what i have left in my cupboard. i havent eaten as of yet - i'm at uni with an iranian bird and we've just finished our only seminar of the day. it's raining like a motherbitch so i don't particularly want to cycle home, but at the same time i really gots to get some kiwi into my person. im thinking dinner tonight will be soup (again). or maybe a cheeky pasta dish. i'd also go for the run i desperately need but rose (some big friend) is coming over for slumber parties. what's wrong with me - any excuse. but i soldier on, dear singular lonely foreign person reading my blog.

and i still haven't found the rowntree.

day seven.

balls. i definitely came back from the night out and downed some prawns. but hey. ive also just had a big ol' bag of onion rings but ive treated it as dinner since im going out for amy's birthday in a bit. i'll pocket a tangerine and have that when we're there. shit is expensive in this restaurant apparently. i neeeed to go for a damn run but rose's breasts distracted me and now we're watching glee. the homos start pashing soon.

day six.

it's not that i don't want to go running, i just find that stuff gets in the way. i actually really like running. but when someone asks if you fancy a night out its usually tough to turn down alcohol and queers in a dark space, and given that ive only eaten a few pieces of fruit and some tomato soup (it was fit) today, i didn't want to overdo it before a heavy night. and it will be a heavy one cause the last night was crazy long ago. over a week i tell you. so yeees things are going just fine. water is definitely my best friend. im sitting with a bottle and a glass of it. why? your guess is as good as mine. running tomorrow.

day five.

i've never been so happy to eat soup. i got a little hungry today and the potato and leek was goood. except my philly on ryvita fell off the arm of the chair and splat itself onto my laptop. sucked.

after eating just a few measly pieces of fruit without the tuna, i thought my evening run would be crazy effective if not a little hard. but i definitely fell asleep and didn't do it. did cycle over to a boiiis house though in the eveningtime. so some form of workout was done. i wish i had the scales though cause i feel really good right about now.

day four and a half.

jodie and megan came with me. avril, katy and britney helped me round the field a good 6 times over half an hour, then we played on the swings and roundabout! mixed feelings of lower class loitering and playful childish glee.

day four.

oh hai bournemouth. i figured today i'd get some serious hunger, i always do in the studenty bournemouth house. but after a banana for breakfast and no stomachy feelings whatsoever, i didnt much need lunch. jokes, i did anyway. i had an apple (christ it was enormous) and a tangerine, followed by a tin of tuna. yes, just on it's own. i even took the tin opener to uni and sat in the glorious sun with sara, reed, ben, alex and some fuckoff wasps and bees. we discussed japan.

for dinner i had a bowl of pasta. yess, i know, but in total it still adds to being way below my daily calorie intake. and it tasted bangin. megan and i are watching bad girls, but in a second i'm going on my first jogging session in bournemouth.. down the road and round the recreational ground. hopefully my housemate jodie will join me, but who knows. i feel good so far and hopefully it will laast. similar day tomorrow, but we'll see depending on this run. one thing's for sure, i'm gonna limber up beforehand this time. i'm not repeating the croydon cramps.

oh, and a lovely lady called holly gave me her tamagotchi today <3

day three.

second verse, same as the first.

today marks my final day at home home in croydon. jodes is gonna take us back south in a bit, so time is running out to find my damn tamagotchi. i just want to play with it again.

anyway today saw me feel even less hungry. i wonder if it has something to do with my waking up at bizarrely late times in the day. maybe there's just no time for me to get hungry what with getting straight in a bath then watching zombieland. yaaay. another theory of mine is that when you're constantly snacking, you're always thinking of when to next get up and gnaw on some chicken or whatever. just forget about food altogether and the craving dies with it.

jo (you know, my good friend joanna lumley) says that to get skinny and stay skinny, you must lose interest in eating completely. i had my usual pieces of cruddy fruit and a gallon of water and then had dinner as usual. it was like a pork/gorgonzola/veggie caserole with roast potatoes. my housemate sarah-jane would have just died.

i'll start the proper jogging and exercising thing when i return, since i didnt bring adequate shoes home and my pink fluffy headphones broke. the next two days are studio shoots though, which last for longting. maybe tomorrow the hunger will finally strike.

enter sean.

http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/

some clever homo sent me this. work out what you need to eat in a day to avoid a painful death, and don't go over it! see, you don't need gillian mckeith.

day two. 203lb

so i didn't warm up enough before yesterday's run. this happened last year when i tried this venture for maybe the 4th time in my life. the first time nothing much happened. the second time i lost about 2 stone and got to my skinniest, but what with the ridiculous efron-y hair, i looked lanky as. i feel (hope) things will be different this time. by these calculations i guess this is the 5th time ive given the fruit/water/jogging pseudo-regime a go. this time it will be a success.

so anyway i should've warmed up more because my thighs, calves and groin have been tensing slightly today. i didn't manage to go for a run but kept at the diet with ease. why the hell have i not been hungry? usually i'm a massive gay hoover.

i had a cousin's birthday event this evening. we were supposed to go to tgi fridays but shit me, 2 hours to wait? we're not seeing lavigne at hammersmith. we went to pizza hut across the road. ohgod. it's alright though, i had the salad bar and a kid's pizza, which according to my diet is perfectly fine. because it's dinner as usual right? i barely managed the salad let alone the kid size pizza. i hope this is a way of things to come.

i'm 203lb. the weigh-in this morning was quite surprising since i weighed at least 215lb around christmas. my goal is 190, that's totally doable. even though i don't actually have scales at uni i'll be back in croydon in a month so i'll check then. more running tomorrow, but right now i'm gonna watch 'salt', with angie jolie jumping over things.

day one and a half.

oh, and i forgot that jogging gave me itchy nipples.

day one.

i woke up and felt like this would be totally easy.

water has become my friend through these fad diets. i really feel like if you want to detox in any way, water is the key. (so if you really hate drinking it, get over yourself) i awoke feeling good and about to embark on a positive mission. glass of water. wasn't even particularly hungry. where i might've usually had toast (at about 2pm), i ate a banana, kiwi and a tangerine, with some watery cup-a-soup crap - doddle. oh yeah no snacking either. i returned to my blandly decorated bedroom in croydon to watch dead man walking (susan sarandon owned) and apply to work in the homeware department of asda. there's no knowing where that'll lead, but what came next was a bit of a wakeup call.

i usually manage the 3 mile run around the block past the horses with relative ease, but apparently the past 2 months have been troubling to my person. breathing ended out being difficult and i started to feel like that bird at the end of martyrs. still, i pushed on through. if you don't run then i highly recommend you start. you don't even need to be in the best of shape to build up a relatively good fitness level over a couple of weeks. you'll surprise yourself, you don't need to run far - just over 30 minutes.

fish and chips for dinner. it kind of sucked. but with less salt and sauce and whatnot, i'm keeping my dinners relatively the same, just smaller over the course of this thing. more water.

apparently i misplaced half my day - i guess i need to get more into the swing of this. oh, and i didn't weigh myself today, i'll leave that til tomorrow. i'm giving myself until day thirty to see how i look in the mirror. give or take a day of running. pretty soon other forms of exercise will emerge.. and the much will begin to vanish.

the search for the rowntree continues!

early hours.

i find myself listening to joanna lumley's audio book. it's 1.26am. she's rambling about a trip to africa where everything's "perfectly lovely" and "sweet smelling". what a babe. i decided that i needed to escape and give her a naughty listen after my also perfectly lovely father decided to announce to the living room that after i had arrived from a 2 month absence away from home, i had gained a whole bunch of weight. i wasn't spectacularly bothered, but came to the realisation (that i imagine pretty much everyone will at some point) that we, as a creature, focus a crazy amount of our attention on body image.

so, i'm about to change the world.

nah, give a fuck, i just wanna be skinny and have everyone love me yaay. i guess i was bothered. i feel as if i *broadcast* this information, i might actually stick to a challenge and make my housemates/coursemates/friends feel awful for not joining me. because even though most of them don't need to lose weight, there's no point in them whining about it if they don't actually do it. and also, because if i'm about to turn grouchy and evil i'm taking everyone down with me.

i'll be blogging what i'm doing in terms of food and exercise (if you give a damn), and who knows - maybe one day meryl streep and amy adams will find themselves in the movie version.

this bad boy to the left was photographed on his first day at uni. corfe house. times. it's what's going to drive me to lose the love handles. jogging tomorrow. and half the amount of what i'd regularly eat. i'll be posting my starter weight and i guess i'll pick my goal weight there. topless photos will arrive when i begin to resemble matthew mcconaughey. feel like a MASSIVE FATTY? then join me.

- the river bevis x